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Akatsuki Party Time

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...Or "Why Itachi shouldn't drink"


Itachi was having a bad day.
Well... that wasn't so unusual... actually he couldn't remember when he'd last time had a good day.
The reason was simple. He was dying. Slowly. He had been sick for a long time already and he knew there was no cure.

And the fact that it always seemed to be raining when he was out on a mission with Kisame sure didn't help so much...

"Feeling a bit gray today, are you?", Kisame suddenly asked. He had been around Itachi long enough no learn to notice some of the changes in his mood, even though his friend usually didn't show any emotions on the outside.
Itachi didn't answer. He always wanted to think about what to say before saying anything, and quite often he just felt like he didn't want to say anything after all.
Especially today, talking with other people seemed to be so much effort.

He wasn't just feeling bad because of his sickness. He was feeling sad and worried about many other things too...
Painful things he could never talk to anybody about.

"Hey, cheer up pal!", Kisame went on, not at all surprised about not getting a reply. He was already very used to that. "We'll soon arrive at the hideout and then we'll get out from this rain. So whatever it is, it'll get better."

No, it wouldn't get better, Itachi was thinking while he kept walking silently by his Akatsuki-partner.
When it was about his life, things could only go worse...

And when they arrived at the Akatsuki hideout, he found out he'd been very much right about that one.
Unfortunately Tobi had remembered it was his birthday. And he had decided they should all have a party.

"No thank you", Itachi said in his best cool-but-polite manner. "I'm tired and I'd like to go rest in my own room."
"No, you can't", Tobi protested in his usual just-a-bit-hyper Tobi-manner. "Or everybody will be disappointed."
"I won't", Deidara said trying to sound as cool as Itachi (he failed). "We can just eat his cake without him."

The word cake seemed to create some interest in Itachi's mind. Not that he still showed any emotions on the outside. He was just staring... at the big cake on the big table of the Akatsuki meeting room, that had now obviously been turned into a birthday room.

"Okay, I'll stay for a while...", he said quietly and walked by the table.
"Good! You'd sure need to relax more, that's what I always say", Kisame said with a happy shark-grin, helped his friend get a chair, helped him cut a piece of the cake, took one for himself too and then seemed altogether very happy about sitting next to his friend Itachi while eating the cake.
(Yes, others were seriously suspecting that those two had something going on...)

"Sorry we don't have any presents", Konan said after a while (she was now eating the cake too). "This came quite too suddenly so we didn't have time to think about what would you like."
"It's alright...", Itachi said. He still wasn't feeling so great, even though eating a good cake can't possibly make you feel worse either.
"Actually, Deidara was planning to give you a present...", Hidan added (While also eating the cake. No, he didn't sacrifice it to Jashin first. Jashin didn't care about cakes.) "But we were quite sure it was something that would blow you up, so we threw it out on the backyard."
"What? You did?", Deidara sounded surprised while trying to look innocent (and yes, he was eating the cake too). "You sure don't trust me at all..."

There was a sound of a quite loud explosion from the backyard.

"Toldya", Hidan sighed.
"Too early...", Deidara mumbled while still trying to look innocent. (He failed.)

"Hey, Itachi", Kisame asked his friend, not paying any attention to Deidara and his explosive art (They were all quite used to random explosions by now). "What would you want for a present?"
Itachi didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say.
So he just kept silently eating his cake.

For a moment, nobody said anything.
(Except Zetsu, who had a serious problem because one half of him liked the cake and the another one didn't. Everybody just tried not to pay any attention to him arguing with himself.)
"I think he might need glasses...", Tobi said pointing to Itachi, but nobody paid much attention to what he was saying anyways. (And yes, he was eating the cake too, even if it seemed to be a little difficult with still having the mask on.)
"I think he seriously needs a girlfriend", Hidan said, and for some reason, he got an angry glare from Kisame for that one.

Itachi still didn't say anything. Well, what could he say he wanted?
He couldn't just reply "world peace" in this company.
Or any of the other things he most wanted...

"I'm fine", he finally told them, which was probably one of the biggest lies he had told in his life.
Then on second thought, he looked at Pain, who was being silently cool while eating his cake. (Yes, Pain had nothing against eating a good cake either.)

"Or I could need a pay raise", Itachi added with a cold and serious tone.
Everybody agreed with that one, except Kakuzu.

Pain kept looking cool but he stopped eating the cake.
His swirly Rinnegan-eyes met with Itachi's red sharingan.
For a moment they were just staring at each other. Very intensely.

"Maybe later", Pain said then. "When you'll catch the Nine-tails first."
"And what about the rest of us?", Deidara asked.
"I think we two will have to leave now", Konan said getting up from the table. "The boss has more important things to do."

"He's just avoiding the question...", Kisame pointed out when both Konan and Pain left the room. "I bet his pay is bigger then ours", he added then, and it was too bad nobody got the joke. (Except maybe the readers.)
"Alright!", Hidan said pulling out a wooden box full of bottles from under the table. "The boss and the lady are gone. Now let's drink!"

Everybody agreed with that one too...
Except...

"Not for me, thank you", Itachi said when Kisame gave him a glass of something little kids shouldn't drink before they are enough old or enough stupid.
"Why not?", Kisame asked. "It's not like you'll have to drive us home or anything."
Itachi didn't reply. First, they were already home. Second, there seemed to be no cars in the Naruto world... And finally, he sure wouldn't be driving one with these eyes anymore... or he would seriously endanger the traffic.
"Come on", Kisame encouraged him. "It'll make you feel better."

Itachi wasn't so sure about that one... but he took the glass anyway.
It couldn't possibly make him feel any worse then this.

After a while all the Akatsuki members still left in the room seemed to become a lot more happy then before. (Except Itachi. He was still feeling bad.)
Also they seemed to become a lot more noisy and talkative then before.
(Except Itachi. He was still being quiet.)

Then Hidan started to tell jokes that were obviously rated higher then PG-13 so we can't write them here. (But you are allowed to use your imagination... Just not too much.)
And Deidara started to lecture about art, but nobody seemed to listen him.
And Itachi was still being quiet.

Kisame tried to cheer him up, but he didn't seem to be very good in cheering up people in general. Especially not Itachi's type of people.
So he just poured his friend another glass. At least he seemed to be drinking it.
Not that it seemed to have any noticeable effect on him.
Almost like he was just becoming even more quiet then usual...

Then Tobi started to sing happy birthday and Kakuzu told him to shut up.
Then Kakuzu also told Hidan to shut up, which he didn't do, so Kakuzu threatened to kill him, which he actually couldn't do, because Hidan was immortal, so he still didn't shut up.
And then Zetsu got in a fight with himself and both sides of him told the other side to shut up, and he finally left the room because nobody could stand that noise anymore and they were telling the both sides of him to shut up.

And Itachi was just being quiet.
Kisame poured him a third glass.

Then Kakuzu got in a fight with Hidan and almost cut his head off (which wouldn't really kill him, so no worries).
And then Deidara got in a fight with Tobi and almost blew him up (which wouldn't really kill him too easily either, so no worries).
And Kisame still failed cheering up his friend. So they were now both quiet.
Itachi took the fourth glass himself.

"Now I'm getting out of here before I'll really kill somebody who isn't immortal", Kakuzu then said getting up from the table. "Oh, and happy birthday, mister cold-blooded."
"Thanks", Itachi said, talking again after a long while. "Yes, and I know the feeling... how did I ever end up with this bunch of idiots?"

Suddenly there was a very ominous silence.

"Hey, don't mind about him, he's just drunk", Kisame said patting his friend on the shoulder.
"No, I'm just being very honest...", Itachi said while reaching for the bottle again, and his voice didn't sound so cool as usual so I guess the drinks were finally getting up to his head. "But I do agree being drunk makes it a bit less unbearable to be in this company. I really don't know how can I ever stand any of you so well when I'm sober..."
"Now you're being evil", Kisame said feeling a bit hurt. "You at least like me don't you?"
Itachi didn't reply. He just gave him a look. Not sure what kind of a look.
Possibly he wasn't so sure about it himself either.

"Usually I'd probably try to kill anyone for something like that", Kakuzu said. "But since it's your birthday, let's just forget it and I'll let you live."
"Thanks a lot", Itachi said when Kakuzu was already getting out of the room. "Try to keep yourself together. I'll try the same..."
"Did he just call us all idiots?", Hidan commented a bit late to catch up.
"Yes, he did", Deidara pointed out happily. "Let's beat him up~!"
"No, we can't", Tobi protested. "It's not polite to beat up people in their own birthday party."
"I agree", Kisame said, already ready to forgive his friend. "Cheers for that!"
"Why not?", Deidara kept going on with a stupid grin (Yes, he was drunk). "Let's just not beat him up too badly, okay? We'll stop while he still breathes."
"Just try it...", Itachi said with his usual evil guy stare, although his eyes were not as focused as usual. "But I think it's not polite if I'll have to beat up people in my own birthday party... but I'll try to go easy on you", he added with a cold tone.

And at this point, he noticed that the bottle was already empty so he got up to get a new one.
Why not? It didn't seem to have any effect on him...

Deidara blocked his way. And now his stupid grin was gone.
"That's enough", he said this time with an angry (although still drunk) face. "You're always acting like you're so much better then us... I think somebody should teach you... your right place... or something..."
Well, thanks to Dei being badly drunk it wasn't the best threat or anything.
But he was waving his finger very angrily.

"I can't help it that I am better then the rest of you", Itachi replied in a calm manner. "But I'm trying not to let it show too much."
And then he walked past Deidara, took a new bottle and poured himself a one more glass. (He had lost the count already.)
"Hey, look at me when I'm talking!", Deidara shouted feeling insulted about being ignored like that. And then he was obviously drunk enough to grab Itachi's Akatsuki cloak to turn him around.
Too bad he was also too drunk to look Itachi right in the eyes.

"Okay...", Itachi said still very calmly. "Now I'm starting to lose my temper..."
And then he looked Deidara in the eyes... with those more scary eyes of his.

"Manyekou... mangayou... mankegyo... oh, whatever... anyway... the next 72 hours you'll be taking a bath with Tobi", he said with as scary voice as possible in his current not-so-cool-as-usual condition.

And even though that might sound funny, believe me, that's NOT something you'd ever want to do for even a lot shorter time then a whole 72 hours...
Just try to think about rubber ducks... and nothing else...

.....

...Tobi probably sings in a bath too...

.....

...and it was possibly a much too small bathtub for two people...

.....

.....

It's a really good thing we're keeping this PG-13 rated isn't it?

Deidara made quite a scream when he fell on the floor.
Then he obviously passed out.

"That can't be that scary", Tobi protested.
"It is...", Hidan commented with a shocked face.

And Itachi calmly went to sit back next to Kisame with his new bottle.
Although he did bump into a chair on the way.

"Hey, that was cruel", Kisame commented also with a quite shocked face. "And now I really think you've been drinking too much."
"And I think you're starting to sound like my mother...", Itachi replied coldly. He suddenly felt very tired... well, it really wasn't a good idea to use mangekyou sharingan when you were too drunk to spell it right. "So please remember that you're talking to a guy who killed his own mother... which was a very shitty thing to do by the way, so I don't recommend doing it at home..."

On the background, Tobi tried to wake up Deidara. Which possibly wasn't the best idea from him...
Well, Deidara did wake up for a moment, gave him a shocked stare...
And then he screamed and passed out again.

And Itachi very calmly poured himself one more glass.
...Although he did spill half of it on the table.

"I think we should stop him",  Hidan said starting to feel seriously worried about the condition of a certain cold-blooded mass-murderer. "Or he might do something else stupid."
"Like what?", Itachi asked now having a quite hazy look in his red sharingan-eyes. "Like killing my whole clan, joining an organization of people who don't even know how to dress properly, ending up as the most feared, hated and misunderstood bad guy of the story, and then getting a stupid sickness that will finally kill me just because nothing else in this world seems to be able to do it... which I might say I'm actually even looking forward to, I just can't stand my life anymore. But of course I'll need to hang on until little brother gets a change to fight me... he would be really disappointed if I'll just die without him..."
"Now what's he talking about...?", Hidan asked looking confused. That last one was probably the longest sentence they've ever heard from this usually silent guy.
"No idea...", Kisame shrugged feeling even more worried about his friend now. "Hey, Itachi... be a nice cold-blooded ninja now, put that bottle away and let me take you in your bedroom", he said then.

Itachi gave him a look. Obviously a quite cold-blooded but also a very tired and a very drunk look...
"...No, not that way", Kisame added, just in case there might be a little misunderstanding about what he meant with the bedroom thing.
Itachi didn't reply. He just kept staring...
For some reason it seemed like Kisame had just shadow-cloned himself.
Then he stopped staring and poured himself another glass.

"So... my first team-mate was a snake... who wanted to take over my body...", he then went on with his very misunderstood and obviously unbearable life. "...and my second team-mate is a shark... who also thinks I'm too pretty to be just friends with..."
"Hey, I've never said that!", Kisame protested. "Although I might say you're pretty, if you don't mind..."
Itachi gave him a very scary look. Or at least he tried his best to do that...
It was a good thing he couldn't focus his eyes enough anymore to do a genjutsu.
So he just poked his friend with a finger...
And I guess he was aiming for the forehead but he hit the eye instead.

"Ouch!", Kisame said, and it was a good thing sharks have tough eyes so no worries. "Now will you please stop acting so out of character and be a cool silent guy again!"
"Sorry...", Itachi replied. "Maybe some other time..."
Then he tried to pour himself another glass (which wasn't actually even empty yet), but Kisame took away the bottle.
"Okay, it's bedtime for the pretty mass-murderers now", he said with his best sharp shark-attitude. "I'm taking you upstairs to sleep."
"...How the hell did I became a pretty mass-murderer...", Itachi mumbled seriously, obviously talking to his half-empty drink now. "Can't deny I look good though..."   

"I'll help you...", Hidan said to Kisame starting to get up from the chair.
He's attempt was stopped by a sudden shuriken striking on the table right between the fingers of his another hand.
"Stay away from me please", Itachi said calmly while some random shurikens dropped on the floor from his hidden ninja-pockets. "I'm feeling fine and I can walk by myself thank you..."

And to prove that, he very calmly got up from the chair...

...and then fell over on Kisame's lap.

"...on a second thought, you might lend me a shoulder just a little bit...", he then said very calmly, while still keeping on his usual cool face surprisingly well.


So Kisame lent him a shoulder while they walked up the stairs towards Itachi's bedroom.
But when they opened the bedroom door, Kisame was in for a surprise...
There was somebody in the room already.
Itachi himself.

"So, how did the party go?", Itachi asked while closing the book he had been reading and putting his reading glasses down on the table. (Yes, he already had glasses, but it was a big secret only Kisame knew about.)
"Not so well...", his shadow-clone replied while Kisame was still trying to take in the situation.
And then the clone broke apart into a flock of ravens...

...Which didn't have a place to go indoors so they just kept flying around in the room for a while...

And when the real Itachi got up to go open the window to let them out, he noticed that it wasn't the only problem here...

"Oh...", he said holding his head. "How much did that shadow-clone drink?"
"Too much", Kisame replied and went to help his friend again.
"I'm okay...", Itachi said, not very happy to notice that obviously all the stuff that a shadow-clone drinks seems to have an effect on the original one too.
"Yeah, you said that already a while ago, and then you almost collapsed on the floor", Kisame said feeling obviously a bit too happy about the situation for some reason.  "Good thing I was on the way."
"Yes... I can remember now...",  Itachi said not very happy about going through the experiences of his shadow-clone. "..... Did I really say that? ..... and did I really do that? ..... am I like that when I'm drunk?"
"You seem to be", Kisame made an obvious notice. "But it's alright, I'll love you anyway."
Itachi gave him a look.
"Not that way", Kisame corrected. "Unless you want to."
Itachi gave him another look.

And then he started to feel something unbearable inside him...
Like the weight of all those feelings he never showed to anybody.
It felt like just too much to keep inside now when his usual coolness was already a bit out of order.

"...I'm so sorry Sasuke...", he mumbled quietly leaning against Kisame's shoulder.
"About what?", Kisame asked. "If you mean beating him up, don't worry about that, it'll just help him grow up to be a stronger ninja... or do you mean that killing the whole clan thing?"
Itachi didn't reply. He just started to cry against Kisame's shoulder.
And at this point, Kisame really didn't know what to do.
So he just gave his friend a gentle pat on the back.

"You better not ever tell anybody you saw me like this...", Itachi told him when he got his sudden emotions in control again. "Or I'll make sushi of you."
"In a genjutsu or for real?", Kisame asked just to be sure.
Itachi was thinking about that for a while.
"Genjutsu", he said then coldly. "I could make it last longer... And I wouldn't really want to eat you. I bet you'd make a terrible tasting sushi..."  

And then Itachi suddenly started to laugh. That was a laughter Kisame could still hear in his nightmares for a long time...
It sounded a bit too much like the laughter of a crazy mass-murderer...
...Who had had a really difficult childhood...
Even before he had killed his own mother...
...Who he missed quite a lot.

Well... that's what you get for suppressing your emotions for years.
They're about to pour over one day.

I think we'll better leave the rest of that conversation just between Itachi and Kisame.

...And no, we're still keeping this PG-13.

But you are allowed to use your imagination...
Just not too much.


The next morning Itachi was having a quite terrible head-ache, was able to pronounce mangekyou sharingan correctly again, and wasn't able to remember in detail what had happened yesterday.
Other Akatsuki members thought it was better not to remind him.

And Kisame was very happy to bring some coffee and sandwiches into his bedroom.
(Tuna-sandwiches of course. They were his favorite.)

After that, nobody in the Akatsuki ever wanted to give Itachi a birthday party anymore.
And nobody ever offered him a drink either.

And Itachi was actually quite happy about that.
On his next birthday, he'd just go someplace quiet with Kisame to eat some dango...
If he was still alive that is. He really hoped he was.

After all, little brother would be really disappointed if he just died without him.
And also he really wanted to poke him in the forehead for the last time.


_____________________________________________________________________


"...Kore de saigo da..." ^^


Itachi: So... Rana-chan had to totally make me look pathetic, didn't she?
Kisame: It's okay! You were cute that way. *Shark-grin*
Itachi: ..... at least nobody called me a weasel...
Rana: I still don't know how is Tobi able to eat with his mask...
Tobi: It's my secret ninja-technique~!
Deidara: *Wakes up* Noooooo! Stay away from me!
Rana: I think we better stop now...
So, I didn't get the next chapter of The Silent Mind ready in english yet, but instead, you'll get a quite random Akatsuki nut case fanfiction.

Well... I was just planning on how to write about the Akatsuki guys and somehow, this just happened... ^^;


What? Akatsuki nut case fanfiction

Genre: Random humor and parody

Rating: 13+ (or how I learned it from movies, PG-13.)

Warnings: Drunk Akatsuki guys, stupid jokes, Itachi being totally OOC and the most disturbing mangekyou sharingan ever.

Pairings: At least Kisame obviously seems to support KisaIta. And it looked a bit like Itachi was trying to pair Deidara with Tobi...

Spoiler-warning! If you don't know the background story about Itachi or how he really died in the end, this will probably spoil some stuff for you.


// And also, this now seems to be my Akatsuki Birthday Contest entry for :iconakatsuki-funny-club:
Here's the blog -> [link]


Akatsuki-characters (c) Masashi Kishimoto
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LazyPanda19's avatar
I like it a lot I though I cried when he said sorry to sasuke but then I got over it and started to  laugh at the rest of  jokes